The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
