yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
