So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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