The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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