The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
