Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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