Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
