i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
