tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
