Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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