im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
