as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
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Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
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I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
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