i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
