I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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