sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
