are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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