Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
