Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
