I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
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...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
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I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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