Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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