I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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