Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
