Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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