Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
