yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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