the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
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He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
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Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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