Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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