Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
two words...techno handjob
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
