fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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