i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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