I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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