I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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