We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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