And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
