life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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