Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Randomize
