I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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