take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
