Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
