I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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