those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
