I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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