How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
