I think im going to throw up on grandma
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
