It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
