We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
