I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I wish there were birth control emojis
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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