Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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