she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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