Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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