I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I met the friendliest cop last night
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
