the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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