I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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