I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
