Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
